Just a short entry. I really haven’t been keeping up with blogging. I’ll try to keep on top of it…
I’m tired of the mood swings. Tuesday I was on top form – I went to MIND on my own. Nerves have stopped me going for years but I actually went, stayed for 2 hours sitting in on an ‘Improve your mood’ group. I made myself a cup of tea, met and spoke to a few staff and other service users and generally found out where everything was and how it worked. I felt elated when I left – I finally did it! I was even proud of myself! (I’m never proud of myself). I was in a good mood for the rest of the day. Wednesday I awoke and instantly felt dread and panic – My first instinct was to take my meds and go back to bed, which I did. I always use sleep to escape. I woke up several times during the day, each time feeling that wave of pure panic come over me and each time going straight back to sleep (I’m lucky to have that ability). I reluctantly got up at about 5pm, still feeling like death. It was as if Tuesday never happened. There was absolutely no reason for my change in mood.
The diagnostic criteria for BPD/EUPD does state the following as one of the symptoms:
‘Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)’
I definitely have affective instability but it’s often not reactive – It seemingly comes from nowhere. So, it’s hard to address when you don’t know why you are feeling the way you are. I get so tired of this rollercoaster. My moods can get pretty intense and however I appear on the outside, every few weeks I get that urge to escape come over me, the ultimate escape – very dark thoughts.
I think it’s extremely hard for others to understand. One moment you are buoyant, the next you are sinking. I’m very good at hiding my feelings and mood too. It’s funny because the other day I was making light of the fact that my name, Ellory, means ‘cheerfulness’ (oh, the irony). My stepdad said how he sees me as a cheerful person, which I’m glad about, but I think that it just shows how good I am at masking as I don’t feel cheerful all that often internally. Then again, I think with my lability of mood, it’s really hard for me to know who I really am. That’s moving into ‘identity disturbance’ which I’ll leave for another blog.